July 2019

(Wo)man’s Best Friend: Jaime

I was 11 years old the summer we adopted our first dog. Although he said we were only going to take a look, I’m sure my dad knew that he would have to take the dog with my sister and me in tow. She came running out of her current owner’s house and did laps around the yard. Rachel and I found this very amusing. About a year old, her ears were huge and her tongue hung out the side of her mouth. Her name was Barbie but we changed it to Jaime.

Jaime loved living out in the country with our big yard. She and the neighbor’s dog, Bear, (also a German Shepherd) had quite the fling. Jaime would Houdini her way off the long lead and visit him, frequently returning home smelling like the horse pasture on our neighbor’s land. On her best days, she’d go for a swim in their pond and show up just in time for dinner. Rachel and I would tag-team giving her a bath before she was allowed back in the house.

She didn’t care though; Jaime loved the hose, as well as playing frisbee, and chasing our ratty old soccer ball around the yard. She was sweet and goofy, but like all good Shepherds she was also very smart. She looked out for Rachel and I, sleeping in our bedroom every night.

That Thanksgiving, thanks to her rendezvous with Bear, she gave birth to 8 puppies. Rachel and I missed the birth and were disappointed, though Daddy assured us we should be glad we were not there for that clean up. He bought a kiddie pool and a dog playpen, and set them up in our dining room. Our very own dog nursery.

Jaime was a good mom, although she would occasionally roll over onto puppies as they tried to nurse. Rachel and I were always sitting right there, watching, and would wriggle them out from under her swollen belly. We adored having puppies. We watched them grow until they were crawling around the playpen, their tiny puppy barks sending us into laughing fits.

Call us crazy, but we drove to Georgia over Christmas break. My dad, Rachel, me, Jaime and all 8 puppies squished into our van and made the 12-hour drive, kiddie pool included. When we came home it was time to start looking for their permanent homes. I knew we couldn’t possibly keep them all but it was sad to see them go. We had given them all names by then. I don’t remember them all now but my favorite was a fluffy boy we called Fozzie, as in Fozzie Bear from the Muppets.

The following Christmas Jaime had a litter of 9 puppies. Again, Rachel and I missed the birth and again, my dad insisted we were better off. One of the puppies went to a friend of a friend so we were able to watch him grow up through pictures and an occasional play day.

I was in the 7th grade and Jaime was only about 3 years old when one day she ran off and didn’t come home for dinner. We looked and looked for her, checking at the SPCA several times, but we never saw her again. Since she didn’t turn up anywhere, including the side of the road, we assumed someone found her and took her in. I like to think she lived happily with her new family until old age caught up to her.

She was a good dog for sure. Perfect for two little girls and their daddy.

❤ JK

photo credit: Jon Dubin

Welcome

homepage

I have been kind of a writer since the third grade. I wrote mostly poetry from ages 9 – 18, then took a long break from writing altogether. I recently began journaling per my therapist’s suggestion and am comfortable calling myself a writer again. The poetry was ceremoniously thrown away when I was about 18 and I regret it all the time. Conversely, I believe in my writing so much now that decided to try my hand at blogging. I sometimes have a way with words and hope that what I share here is helpful in some way. <3JK

When You Can’t Fake it Anymore

3E80147C-39C4-4A90-8A46-36F927B5A9E0

So I just let slip to all 200 of my Facebook friends that I’m going to see a counselor next week.

It’s been a long time coming and I have this (in)fertility journey to thank for pushing me over the edge. I can’t tell you how many times my husband has said, “You need to talk to someone.” I can’t tell you how many times I thought about it, looked into it, made sure my insurance would cover it, wrote down the phone number…and conveniently forgot to actually make the appointment.

When I’m having a good day it’s easy to tell myself I don’t need the help. Look, I’m showering and going to work like a normal human being. Look, I’m walking my dogs and feeding them. Look, I’m going out with my friends.

Then a bad day comes along and my fake-it-til-you-make-it doesn’t work, and I panic. You probably wouldn’t notice it if you saw me during an anxiety attack. I have gotten so good at hiding it. On the inside, though, my heart is racing and my lungs stopped working but somehow I’m still talking, walking, working.

Anxiety has always been part of my life. Since I was a child, dreading the first day of school, I have had anxiety. Back then, it manifested as stomach- and headaches; the anticipation of the unknown was too much for my little heart to handle.

For about the last 12 years, I have suffered anxiety attacks. I know my triggers, I can feel it coming, I can walk you through the whole experience. But no matter what I do, I can not prevent it from happening. I can push it down for a little while, maybe, but it will come. And I will be helpless. Powerless.

I’ll be my 10-year-old self, or my 15-year-old self. I will forget who my 27-year-old self is. I will be unable to form a coherent thought, much less be able to tell you what is happening.

I know that I will struggle with anxiety for the rest of my life. I am hoping that counseling will be the first step toward recovery. They say that doctors make the worst patients, and helpers are the worst at asking for help. Ironic how much I will advocate for someone else to do the things to get well, but for a long time I couldn’t make myself do the things. Now that’s it out here in the internet, I have to go, right?

<3JK

Why You Need an Introverted Friend

FullSizeRender (4)

I am an introvert. I have always been able to entertain myself, hardly ever needing another person to interact with. I very much enjoy solitary activities such as reading, or playing…solitaire…haha! See? I even laugh at my own jokes! Don’t get me wrong, I like people and I love my friends. Most of my friends are not introverts and that is good for me because they make me leave the house once in a while. Sunlight? What’s that? My extroverted friends are wonderful. They make me laugh with their endless stories (and I mean, endless…extroverts never stop talking). They make me act silly, in public even. And I hate. hate. hate. to embarrass myself or appear dumb in any way. But the extroverted friend doesn’t care because they’re too busy having fun. Extroverted friends are great but introverted friends are special.

In no particular order, this is why you need an introverted friend:

We are thoughtful. Instead of filling the air with endless talking, we think – about our family, our friends, our coworkers, the barista, the people we saw on the bus, our neighbor’s dentist’s mailman… Mostly about the ones we love. You can bet that if you are our friend we are thinking about you on the daily.
We pay attention and remember the little things. We know your family tree, including pets, your allergies, basic medical history, likes/dislikes, and could possibly get away with stealing your identity. But we would never do that to you!
We do not care if we only talk once a month. Or once a year. We love you, we’ll always love you, and we’ll always be here if you need us. Plus talking too much gives us anxiety.
We do not care if you bail on plans with us. We were going to do it so it’s actually a relief that you did first. We had good intentions when we agreed to said plans, it’s just that going out is work to us. We know it sounds crazy but everyone has their quirks (and we know all of yours! See #2)
We give the best advice. Like I said before, we’re thinkers and we care deeply about you. If we are saying something out loud, please listen. You’ll thank us.
We are expert listeners. Listening is our favorite thing. If you can carry on a mostly one-sided conversation, we are your people.

Thank you to my extroverted friends for living out loud and dragging me along.

If you have an introverted friend tell them you love them! If you don’t – go find yourself one! (But be careful, we startle easily)

<3JK

Get the Shampoo

FullSizeRender (3) Coco Chanel once said, “A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.”

I just cut my hair. Not so sure about the life changing, but then again I’m writing this while sitting at a booth in Panera, which has never happened before, so, who knows.

I love getting my hair cut. A couple of years ago I started getting a shampoo, too, and that, my friend, is a game changer. Get the shampoo, girl! It’s so worth it. The head massage is the best part of the whole thing. For five minutes I’m so relaxed I could fall asleep. Then comes the haircut part and I leave looking fabulous which means I feel pretty darn fab, too! Getting a shampoo and haircut is my version of going to a spa. I recommend doing this about every other month.

Growing up I would let my hair get long enough to donate after it was cut. I did that three or four times I think. Then after I went into high school I just left it short. I would get a haircut whenever I felt like life was getting too crazy. I still have that mentality. Today’s haircut came after growing my hair out for a year. I do like it long; I have beautiful hair, not to brag, it really is pretty. But long hair is work – the hair washing and styling, it’s too much for my lazy self. So it ends up in a pony tail a lot of the time, which is not that pretty. Anyway, last week I was feeling overwhelmed and decided the hair had to go. Unfortunately my guy at the Great Clips was off that day so I had to wait.

That’s another good lesson – when you find a good hair stylist, stick with them. Marco is the only guy working at this Great Clips and just happened to be the person who cut my hair the first time I went there. I went to this Great Clips because it’s closest to my apartment. But the stars were aligned because this man can cut hair! And he gives a great head massage.

<3JK