selfcare

Daily Rest

There is a fine line between thriving in chaos and wanting to run away from it all. As soon as the scales tip, I daydream about driving until the gas runs out and starting over wherever that happens to be. Then Responsible Me speaks up, reminding Reckless Me that We have a husband, pets, a job, etc. and we can’t drive off anywhere. Fine, Reckless Me, responds, I need a vacation.

The only problem is, I can’t take a vacation every time Reckless Me feels the urge. Not only that, vacation is supposed to be fun, not a way to escape daily life. If I was really living my best life, I wouldn’t need to escape it would I? Vacation could be about exploring new places, going on adventures, trying new things, eating different foods, relaxing and just having fun. They wouldn’t have to be I-don’t-care-where-just-get-me-out-of-here weekend trips, sleeping in a hotel, tricking myself into feeling rejuvenated, just to go back to work Monday and realize that I don’t feel better at all.

No, what I need isn’t a vacation. What I need is to rest every day. Such a simple concept but so difficult to put into practice. I don’t have time to rest – I have things to do. Work, taking care of pets, cleaning the house, making food, spending time with my husband… Where would I find the time for resting? Especially when there are more important things to do.

I’m wrong again. Rest is important. Rest keeps Reckless Me from trying to commandeer this ship and lets Responsible Me feel calm amidst the chaos. I’m talking about physical, emotional, and spiritual rest. I need sleep, y’all. I need my bedtime routine. Ideally, I would read and/or write for half an hour, wash my face, brush my teeth, pray, and fall asleep to a guided meditation every night. Most nights I barely get my teeth brushed.

As an introvert, I need emotional rest too. I spend a lot of energy being with people, making conversation and interacting with others is draining for me. If I don’t have time alone to recharge, I am grumpy and unpleasant. See, I worry about what to say and how to say it; I worry what people are thinking of me, and why did I wear this outfit? It takes a lot out of me, even when I’m with people I know and love to be around. So the down time by myself is really important.

Arguably the most important kind of rest is spiritual. It’s a common verse – “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”* But what does it mean? What kind of labour, and how heavy is heavy laden? There are plenty of people who work harder, longer hours than I do. Do I really need to take up the Lord’s time and attention?

Absolutely. We all need rest. God gives it to us for free, every day, if we’ll take it. It really is easy, if we can let go of our obligation to all of those things on our to do lists. We don’t have to live in chaos until we feel the desire to escape from life. We can, and should, rest daily in the Lord. He can handle all of our burdens. He can enlighten us as to what is important, and which of those to do list items can be erased. Wouldn’t it be responsible of me to take care of myself, so I can show up better for my family and my job?

That starts with letting go of the idea that I have ever, or will ever, thrive in chaos. I haven’t, and I won’t. That’s not how God wants me to live. He wants me to have joy in Him. I should make time for prayer, time for bible reading, time for work, time for family, time for hobbies, time for vacation, and remember that if I’m overwhelmed I can take it all to the Lord, who gives us rest.

❤ JK

*Matthew 11:28 KJV

When You Can’t Fake it Anymore

3E80147C-39C4-4A90-8A46-36F927B5A9E0

So I just let slip to all 200 of my Facebook friends that I’m going to see a counselor next week.

It’s been a long time coming and I have this (in)fertility journey to thank for pushing me over the edge. I can’t tell you how many times my husband has said, “You need to talk to someone.” I can’t tell you how many times I thought about it, looked into it, made sure my insurance would cover it, wrote down the phone number…and conveniently forgot to actually make the appointment.

When I’m having a good day it’s easy to tell myself I don’t need the help. Look, I’m showering and going to work like a normal human being. Look, I’m walking my dogs and feeding them. Look, I’m going out with my friends.

Then a bad day comes along and my fake-it-til-you-make-it doesn’t work, and I panic. You probably wouldn’t notice it if you saw me during an anxiety attack. I have gotten so good at hiding it. On the inside, though, my heart is racing and my lungs stopped working but somehow I’m still talking, walking, working.

Anxiety has always been part of my life. Since I was a child, dreading the first day of school, I have had anxiety. Back then, it manifested as stomach- and headaches; the anticipation of the unknown was too much for my little heart to handle.

For about the last 12 years, I have suffered anxiety attacks. I know my triggers, I can feel it coming, I can walk you through the whole experience. But no matter what I do, I can not prevent it from happening. I can push it down for a little while, maybe, but it will come. And I will be helpless. Powerless.

I’ll be my 10-year-old self, or my 15-year-old self. I will forget who my 27-year-old self is. I will be unable to form a coherent thought, much less be able to tell you what is happening.

I know that I will struggle with anxiety for the rest of my life. I am hoping that counseling will be the first step toward recovery. They say that doctors make the worst patients, and helpers are the worst at asking for help. Ironic how much I will advocate for someone else to do the things to get well, but for a long time I couldn’t make myself do the things. Now that’s it out here in the internet, I have to go, right?

<3JK

Get the Shampoo

FullSizeRender (3) Coco Chanel once said, “A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.”

I just cut my hair. Not so sure about the life changing, but then again I’m writing this while sitting at a booth in Panera, which has never happened before, so, who knows.

I love getting my hair cut. A couple of years ago I started getting a shampoo, too, and that, my friend, is a game changer. Get the shampoo, girl! It’s so worth it. The head massage is the best part of the whole thing. For five minutes I’m so relaxed I could fall asleep. Then comes the haircut part and I leave looking fabulous which means I feel pretty darn fab, too! Getting a shampoo and haircut is my version of going to a spa. I recommend doing this about every other month.

Growing up I would let my hair get long enough to donate after it was cut. I did that three or four times I think. Then after I went into high school I just left it short. I would get a haircut whenever I felt like life was getting too crazy. I still have that mentality. Today’s haircut came after growing my hair out for a year. I do like it long; I have beautiful hair, not to brag, it really is pretty. But long hair is work – the hair washing and styling, it’s too much for my lazy self. So it ends up in a pony tail a lot of the time, which is not that pretty. Anyway, last week I was feeling overwhelmed and decided the hair had to go. Unfortunately my guy at the Great Clips was off that day so I had to wait.

That’s another good lesson – when you find a good hair stylist, stick with them. Marco is the only guy working at this Great Clips and just happened to be the person who cut my hair the first time I went there. I went to this Great Clips because it’s closest to my apartment. But the stars were aligned because this man can cut hair! And he gives a great head massage.

<3JK