So I just let slip to all 200 of my Facebook friends that I’m going to see a counselor next week.
It’s been a long time coming and I have this (in)fertility journey to thank for pushing me over the edge. I can’t tell you how many times my husband has said, “You need to talk to someone.” I can’t tell you how many times I thought about it, looked into it, made sure my insurance would cover it, wrote down the phone number…and conveniently forgot to actually make the appointment.
When I’m having a good day it’s easy to tell myself I don’t need the help. Look, I’m showering and going to work like a normal human being. Look, I’m walking my dogs and feeding them. Look, I’m going out with my friends.
Then a bad day comes along and my fake-it-til-you-make-it doesn’t work, and I panic. You probably wouldn’t notice it if you saw me during an anxiety attack. I have gotten so good at hiding it. On the inside, though, my heart is racing and my lungs stopped working but somehow I’m still talking, walking, working.
Anxiety has always been part of my life. Since I was a child, dreading the first day of school, I have had anxiety. Back then, it manifested as stomach- and headaches; the anticipation of the unknown was too much for my little heart to handle.
For about the last 12 years, I have suffered anxiety attacks. I know my triggers, I can feel it coming, I can walk you through the whole experience. But no matter what I do, I can not prevent it from happening. I can push it down for a little while, maybe, but it will come. And I will be helpless. Powerless.
I’ll be my 10-year-old self, or my 15-year-old self. I will forget who my 27-year-old self is. I will be unable to form a coherent thought, much less be able to tell you what is happening.
I know that I will struggle with anxiety for the rest of my life. I am hoping that counseling will be the first step toward recovery. They say that doctors make the worst patients, and helpers are the worst at asking for help. Ironic how much I will advocate for someone else to do the things to get well, but for a long time I couldn’t make myself do the things. Now that’s it out here in the internet, I have to go, right?
<3JK
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